His ''new love'' is Paula Patton, also responsible for his ''sexy new strategy'' because, NI says, she is ''a bit wild'' and may unsettle Cruise's ''straight-laced advisers''.

But Magwatch is more interested in his ''new look''. We believe it went like this. He went into the bathroom one morning, picked up his comb and thought: ''I need a new look.'' He thought about glasses, he thought about a beard. He thought about having a hashtag symbol tattooed onto his cheek, so his face ''stays trending 4 ever''.

But, as the latter was done by British rapper Dappy last week, Cruise took a big breath and, closing his eyes, combed his hair forward. When he opened them, he had a ''new look''. What relief! But NI is not satisfied with this scenario.

Quoting plastic surgeon Dr Anthony Youn, it says Cruise is ''swollen from recent injections of a filler'' or ''may have had his cheeks injected with fat from his love handles''. Magwatch isn't sure how much of Cruise is swollen, or which cheeks they are talking about.

Youn doesn't seem too sure either. Now on a roll he wonders if Cruise's ''face could have been stung by bees''.

In other swollen cheek news, NW reports Kim Kardashian's bottom has its own stylist. ''From a coating of oil to smatterings of strategically placed sand,'' it says, ''Kim's butt has its every need attended to!'' Magwatch worries the rear will get ideas above its station. Will Kim order steak only for her booty to order lobster? When she heads for the cinema will her buttocks go to the opera? Will she and her back-cheeks break apart forever?

Titillating days in the lives of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are revealed after a cleaner found marital aids on their bed on a private jet, according to Famous and NW. ''I took off the comforter and found sex toys - like a dozen of them - vibrators, butt plugs,'' says the cleaner. She then ''put the covers back on and didn't touch the bed again''. The jet was used by the couple ''last year'', which suggests a confronting going-to-bed scenario for whoever hired it next.

Or perhaps not. Perhaps, thinking it was part of the whole movie star, luxury private jet package, they also left them there. And a trend began, leaving a perpetually distraught cleaner and a breathtakingly unchanged bed.