OPINION

OPINION | Where will they fit all the extra toilet paper?

There's really only one topic I can discuss today.

It's the one that's on everyone's lips, dominating the news websites, choking our social media feeds and on the front page of those things old people read called newspapers (jokes!).

That's right. It's toilet paper.

Or the lack thereof.

I don't think I have much more to add to all the zillion other commentaries on this particular phenomenon, but I would like to ruminate on what can only be the next problem the hoarders must be facing: where to put it all?

Given that I can barely fit normal supplies into my adequately sized house, I don't know what on earth I'd do with hundreds of rolls of toilet paper.

I can't imagine that all these people are the serious kind of preppers, with a concrete bunker devoted to the storage of such things.

So I keep imagining their hallways neatly lined with toilet rolls, a bit like those carefully constructed walls of firewood next to arty fireplaces. Or packages piled up in the laundry or bathroom that tumble down on them when they open the door.

Or maybe their kids could be given a heap to play with during quarantine. Who knows? Maybe a modern sculpture installation could be curated from the results.

I might not know where they're putting it all, but I do know of a few people who have missed out: the mother of a child with cystic fibrosis; a man recovering from bowel cancer surgery; and a family with twin two year-olds in the middle of toilet training (the horror!).

I get that there are some people who live in such fear of the future that they respond this way. Maybe they've been through war or famine or some sort of trauma before that means they can't help but stockpile in the face of any threat.

But my guess is the vast majority are just being selfish, looking out for their own needs regardless of how that affects others.

And if we can't even make sure that vulnerable people get enough toilet paper, how are we ever going to protect them from this disease?

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