And here is the most terrifying prospect. Hold on. This is just so awful.

One of the world's best footballers, better than any British talent, calls you a "stupid white bastard".

That's what our Sam, Samantha Kerr, captain of the national women's football team the Matildas, stands accused of doing. Police were called to a dispute about a cab fare in London. Apparently our Sam threw up in the cab after a night out on January 30. Not January 30 this year though. January 30 last year. Took them that long to realise who she was, I guess.

Now there's everything going on in this story.

Star footballer. Star queer footballer. Star queer footballer who made the British Lionesses look like cubs when Australia played England in a friendly last year. Was the only player to score against them in the Women's World Cup semi-final and made it look easy. Did the cab driver recognise our pearl of a girl (OK, woman but she's half my age so there's that)?

Those of you who have ever been sick in the back of a cab will know how it works. You throw up. The cab driver is furious and insists you pay for cleaning up the cab. You threw up because you are not clear in the head anyway. Disputes always arise.

I don't know a single person who has ever thrown up in the back of a taxi and has settled the clean-up amicably. Somehow the police get called. That never ends well.

And now Kerr is pleading not guilty to the charge of racially harassing the police officer. Her English club Chelsea's manager Emma Hayes has said the magic footballer has the club's full backing.

I have so many questions about this. One, why did it take over a year? And how on earth is calling a white officer white racial harassment?

Let's do the easy bit first. Sam should pay for the clean-up of the cab now she's clear in the head. Of course she should, if she hasn't already.

Cab drivers are paid badly, have stressful jobs and usually the cabs aren't theirs in the first place, they are just shift slaves, barely making ends meet. And sure, if this was what the dispute was about, then yeah, pay up. You are earning millions of dollars a year.

The harder bit is this. How is calling a white officer white racial harassment? Is this just another example of what Robin diAngelo named white fragility?

The phenomenon where white people are so unused to any challenges to their privilege they fall to bits when it happens (OK, diAngelo is a serious academic and wouldn't use the term fall to bits but I'm paraphrasing here).

Look, I'd struggle to use the word white to describe a race. Sure, it's been used recently to try to pretend that white people are now experiencing the same level of racism as black, brown and yellow people.

In 2018, those idiots in the Senate, led by One Nation chief Pauline Hanson, put forward a motion which said: "It's OK to be white". Coalition senators supported her, despite the phrase's long connection with the extreme right.

Fortunately, even back then, sense prevailed and the motion was defeated - but not before it sowed division and misery. A reminder that the only thing Hanson is famous for is racism. Remember her ridiculous burqa stunt?

I asked Ruby Hamad, author of White Tears, Brown Scars, a book which reveals the way white women weaponise victimhood, what she thought of this fiasco. She agrees it's odd it took a year for Kerr to be charged over what appears to be a very minor incident.

"It makes me wonder what was happening behind the scenes. There is something quite performative about this," she says.

Like the rest of us she awaits to learn more at the hearing (although I'm truly hoping the whole mess will finish well before the hearing which is scheduled for an entire year away).

But she is also highly sceptical about the use of the word white as a term of harassment.

"Laws about racial harassment and abuse are meant to try and protect racial minorities, people who have been historically discriminated against and severely disadvantaged.

"Using them in contexts such as this presents a false image that race is now a level playing field. Ultimately, this means that these laws will simply become another avenue to maintain the status quo, not challenge it," Hamad says.

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There is no question, as she says, that Kerr's alleged words might have been ill-considered and unwise for someone in her position.

"But for them to result in a criminal charge and possible conviction seems absurd in a society that does not and has never systematically discriminated against white people."

NSW Premier Chris Minns has weighed in, so has his Health Minister Ryan Park: "I've been called a lot worse."

And let me end by introducing you to Effie Bateman, the Betoota Advocate's lifestyle correspondent, who said what we all thought when we discovered what Kerr allegedly said to the copper.

"This comes after a very intense 24 hours of intense speculation when even people who have virtually no interest in sport lived in fear of what Australia's sweetheart might have said - because you never know what's gonna come out of a Perth girl's mouth after a skinful, so thank goodness this time it was only facts."